Minor Key Thoughts

• I don't know what I am talking about.
• It doesn't matter because no one but me is listening.
• I like to write.
• But not about myself.
• I would probably be OK if I could just withdraw and write.
• It is trying to be civil to others, to maintain connection which is proving hard.
• Life is not a story.
• In the end, all life is reduced to story.

That Feeling When....

...You are erased from your own fond memories. Maybe it is just non-thinking neglect. Still, it signifies that my presence is not considered as a joyful part of those family times. Or that current emotions are so strong as to cancel out any happy presence I once had. The ironic thing is that of the two parents, I am the one who desired more contact, more time together, more chances to make happy memories. But what use to make new happy memories when I am written out of the old ones? I try and tell myself I am over reacting...

Swimming Upriver

Swimming upriver is not an impossible proposition. When you look at it from the outside. In the water though, it sucks!

Tears of a Fool

I am being swamped by waves of tears. They come on with no real warning and no connection to anything in particular. I can be doing something mundane like driving home from a car service appointment and suddenly tears are flowing down my face. I don't know where they come from. I don't understand. I'm just here in the corner crying like a baby and unable to stop.

When the Foundations Shake

I haven't written here in years. I have never been good at journaling into the void. I grew discouraged when even my closest friends and family stopped reading and commenting. This is partly why I have renamed this blog NOBODY READS THIS BLOG - I need to stop writing performatively and start writing what is in my heart - with no thought of who might be reading it.

So here we go. I have had an amazingly difficult Summer. Menopause is here with a vengeance and the emotional fluctuations have been... difficult. I am on a hair-trigger which has made living with me a bitch. I don't really want to do hormone therapy because I want to get through this naturally and I don't have insurance. I should be exercising - but I don't. Or at least not with any regularity. My sleep has been troubled, my dreams violent or tragic or both.

I long ago made a marriage with a man who was both my perfect match and who has vast insecurities leading to an emotional language that can be both devastating and insensitive. Many of the times in my life, when I have been at the lowest, he has chosen to point out my faults rather than simply comfort me. The funny thing is, I think I am the same towards him. It is a very bad habit and one that I would like to overcome - I just don't know where to start.

All of this has left me feeling like I am living in the aftermath of an earthquake.