Thursday, August 31, 2017

Minor Key Thoughts

  • I don't know what I am talking about.
  • It doesn't matter because no one but me is listening.
  • I like to write.
  • But not about myself.
  • I would probably be OK if I could just withdraw and write.
  • It is trying to be civil to others, to maintain connection which is proving hard.
  • Life is not a story.
  • In the end, all life is reduced to story.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

That Feeling When....

...You are erased from your own fond memories. Maybe it is just non-thinking neglect. Still, it signifies that my presence is not considered as a joyful part of those family times. Or that current emotions are so strong as to cancel out any happy presence I once had. The ironic thing is that of the two parents, I am the one who desired more contact, more time together, more chances to make happy memories. But what use to make new happy memories when I am written out of the old ones? I try and tell myself I am over reacting...

Friday, August 25, 2017

Swimming Upriver

Swimming upriver is not an impossible proposition. When you look at it from the outside. In the water though, it sucks!

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Tears of a Fool

I am being swamped by waves of tears. They come on with no real warning and no connection to anything in particular. I can be doing something mundane like driving home from a car service appointment and suddenly tears are flowing down my face. I don't know where they come from. I don't understand. I'm just here in the corner crying like a baby and unable to stop.

Monday, August 21, 2017

When the Foundations Shake

I haven't written here in years. I have never been good at journaling into the void. I grew discouraged when even my closest friends and family stopped reading and commenting. This is partly why I have renamed this blog NOBODY READS THIS BLOG - I need to stop writing performatively and start writing what is in my heart - with no thought of who might be reading it.

So here we go. I have had an amazingly difficult Summer. Menopause is here with a vengeance and the emotional fluctuations have been... difficult. I am on a hair-trigger which has made living with me a bitch. I don't really want to do hormone therapy because I want to get through this naturally and I don't have insurance. I should be exercising - but I don't. Or at least not with any regularity. My sleep has been troubled, my dreams violent or tragic or both.

I long ago made a marriage with a man who was both my perfect match and who has vast insecurities leading to an emotional language that can be both devastating and insensitive. Many of the times in my life, when I have been at the lowest, he has chosen to point out my faults rather than simply comfort me. The funny thing is, I think I am the same towards him. It is a very bad habit and one that I would like to overcome - I just don't know where to start.

All of this has left me feeling like I am living in the aftermath of an earthquake.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Subtext and the Art of Subtle Influence

I just read an interesting and saddening post on blatant idiocy here. Go read this story of discrimination and fear. We'll wait.

So, the upshot seems to be that if you are gay, your writing cannot be trusted. Of course, the un-named 'A' is right. WAIT, before you hoist me on this petard of my own making, hear me out...

'A' was clearly afraid. Afraid of 'The Gay' yes, but more likely, afraid that she and her readers would be shown in plain black and white that being gay does not stop a person from being admirable. Nothing scares bigots more than having light shed on their irrationality. What if the gay writer said something that made sense? What if, please God no, she actually agreed with him. What if she found herself drawn to his words, moved by his arguments, attracted to his ideas. It is difficult to maintain negativity towards people we truly admire. This is the fear that causes bigots to throw up barriers, but it is a line in the sand.

As writers, we would do well to remember that words have power. Blogger A has managed to dance away from the wave that would erase her self-imposed border, but the tide is rising, and that line in the sand grows harder and harder to defend. The best thing we can do is write. Books with gay characters. Books with real people in them. Books with characters worth admiring. Blogs that are inclusive. Articles that ask hard questions. Stories that change us, that shine light into our darkest corners, that bring our own irrationality to light where it can shrivel and die. Blogger A is right: words have power, but Blogger A is wrong not to embrace  the power of words to shape us into better people.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

29 Tweets - February 19 - Clark Family Theater Troupe

The Clark family theater empire grows. 1 summer. 4 people. 16 productions. 140 individual performances. #Acting #NoSleep 

29 Tweets - February 18 - 10th Anniversary

Husband surprises wi 10th anniversary wedding celebrated in high Edwardian costume during intermission of play. #Romantic

29 Tweets - February 17 - Treading the Boards

Our family becomes a miniature theater troupe appearing in CA's First Theater Production 'The Drunkard' #Actors #Melodrama

29 Tweets - February 16 - Please Not Texas

Discovered I don't want to mess with Texas. Army exiled us there: 6 months. After, we gratefully returned 2 Monterey coast.